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We all experience transition from time to time in our lives - when we change jobs, when we move homes, when we start new relationships, when our bodies change, when a loved one passes - this list can go on and on. But what transition really is at its core is change. And change is hard, isn’t it? When you think about it, our entire life is really a culmination of transitions. And we can either choose to embrace them or we can fight them. But a fact of life is - change is inevitable. So how we choose to respond to change and transition is really what’s important.
And what’s even crazier about this time right now, is that the whole world is in a state of transition, isn’t it? Regardless of whatever personal transition you may be working through right now, we all are experiencing what it means to adjust to a “new normal.” Everyone’s trying to adjust to new ways of shopping, new ways of interacting, and new ways of learning how to deal with all of the challenges of a global pandemic. On a side note - what are your thoughts on the phrase “new normal”? I have mixed feelings about it. I understand what it means when people are saying it and it’s a quick way to get your point across, but it doesn’t quite capture the breadth or depth of impact that this pandemic has brought on.
So today, I want to share with you my thoughts on how to handle transitions in life. I want to at least share with you how I choose to approach transitions and what I’ve learned from the transitions that I’ve experienced up to this point. I hope that at least some very small part of today’s episode will resonate with you, enough to where you can take something away from it so that you feel better equipped to deal with whatever transition you’re feeling right now.
My First Real Struggle with Transition
Being in the midst of transition can feel foreign, strange, awkward and even painful. I think the first time I really struggled with transition was during college. In high school and entering into college, I had developed a severe eating disorder and I lost a lot of weight. I got down to I think somewhere around 105 pounds, which is wildly unhealthy for a woman who’s 5’7”. I’m telling you this not to glorify it but to explain to you what came after.
Now some of you already know about my former eating disorder because I’ve mentioned it on my website and in previous episodes, but in those posts I usually focused on the pain and sadness I felt during this time. But there’s more to the story. Today, I want to talk about the pain and sadness that I felt as I tried to break my disorder. I didn’t just wake up one day and start eating normal again.
There was a transition that occurred as I went from a normal weight to an unhealthy weight, but that was actually not the transition that I found particularly painful. Yes, this change had made me profoundly miserable, it was actually the period of time when I gained all that weight back that was truly the challenge for me.
I had finally come to a point with my eating disorder that I knew I wanted out. I knew I wanted to be normal again. I didn’t want to be constantly thinking about food anymore. I didn’t want to count calories. I didn’t want to be deceptive and strange around food with my friends. Hell - I wanted to have real friends, which is something I had lost to this disorder.
So I decided to go on the long road back to loving myself. And this transition was hard - in fact I tell people that it took me two years to develop this horrible way of thinking and then it took me another two more years to undo the mental damage I had caused.
I don’t know if you know this about our bodies, but after they have been in starvation mode for so long, if you start to eat more calories again - even at a normal amount - your body will store all of those calories that you’ve been depriving it of for so long. So what happened was, I gained a lot of weight - fast. And it was terrifying for someone like me who had controlled this aspect of my life for so long.
As a result, everything in my life felt out of control - my grades, my friendships, my relationships, my whole life. But deep down, I knew that I needed my life back and that this was the way to do it. In this period of transition, where I was heavier than ever, feeling out of control, and feeling lost, I had to hold on to a beacon of hope.
And for me, this beacon of hope was my future self. I could picture her clearly - she went out to dinner with her friends and had a normal relationship with food. She had genuine friends that she cared for and that cared for her. She was actually happy - really, truly happy. And most of all - she was at peace. Her mind was at peace, her body was at peace, and her spirit was at peace.
What helped me most get through one of the most painful transitions of my life was by focusing on the person I knew I was becoming. This may sound simple enough but it’s actually really hard isn’t it?
Because we are impatient beings, aren’t we? I know I am. I wanted to just snap my fingers and it would be done. On a side note - anyone ever envy Sabrina the Teenage Witch for being able to snap her fingers and have fully accessorized new outfits on instantly? Or what about Mary Poppins, who could snap her fingers and clean up an entire room? Man, that would be such an awesome ability, wouldn’t it?! But I digress.
Transition is Uncomfortable
Sitting with moments of transition are some of the hardest parts of our life because it’s the stage in life, where we’ve identified some gap and we feel like we need to hurry up and get from point A to point B. It’s the space between where we are today and where we want to be. And it’s uncomfortable. It’s insanely uncomfortable. It’s the kind of feeling that makes you want to jump out of your body into someone else’s. It’s the kind of feeling that makes you want to cower in bed, pull the covers over your head, melt into your mattress and just disappear.
Y’all know that feeling? I know it all too well, because I’m in this a lot. In fact, I’m pretty sure that a majority of my life has been characterized by transition. And probably yours too. Because the only times really truly grow are through moments of transition. So if you’re not feeling that discomfort, you’re probably not growing. And what good would life be to us if we weren’t growing?
Really think about that for a second. In one of my life coach lessons, the instructor posed this question to us - what if you could never grow again? What if you never advanced or changed jobs again? What if you never saw a new country or experienced a new culture again? What if you never deepened a relationship or developed a new one again? When I heard that, I thought, “Well, I might as well be dead.” Because how sad and boring would that be? To take away our ability to grow is to take away what it means to be human.
I think we all as curious human beings want to continue to grow in some way. Maybe you love your job and you never want to change it but why do you like your job so much? It probably has something to do with the fact that you’re still learning and growing with it.
So let’s assume that we inherently want to grow as human beings. And we want to discover the excitement in life. The joy in it. The beauty in it. You probably wouldn’t be here listening to this podcast or reading this blog post if you didn’t feel that way, right? Because as women in the Jet Set Society, this is what life is all about.
So, we all want to grow. And what does it take to grow? Discomfort. Yep. I know. Not what you wanted to hear, right? I don’t like that answer either frankly. I get really excited about the thought of growing, then you tell me it’s going to be uncomfortable, and then I sort of shrink and start sulking a bit. Because we don’t like being uncomfortable.
Hearing the very definition of the word “uncomfortable” can probably start making you feel uneasy right? Because we all know the feeling.
It’s a state of discomfort, distress, pain, and irritation. We’ve all been there. We’ve all felt this way at one time or another.
Acknowledge the Discomfort
And this is what we feel when we are in transition. So the first step in how to handle transitions in life is to acknowledge the discomfort.
And know that this first step of acknowledging the discomfort may take you time. When I was in college and finding my way back to a healthy relationship with food, exercising, and eating, I was fighting it. I fought the discomfort so hard. I didn’t want to feel it or acknowledge it. It was too painful to face, especially when I looked in the mirror and was reminded of how my body was changing.
But I can tell you this from personal experience - fighting it will only make it harder. Fighting discomfort can manifest itself in lots of different ways. Resisting the discomfort inside you may look like overeating or over-drinking. Or maybe you over-shop. Maybe you grow irritable and hostile towards others. Some people procrastinate and fill their life up with distractions. Some people turn to sex or drugs. For me, that year, I started over-drinking. I was drinking and partying more than I had before in attempts to not deal with the discomfort of my transition. I’m not saying that that whole year was black out or bad, but deep down, I knew I wasn’t facing my transition head-on.
And it only made the discomfort inside me grow. Pretending like it wasn’t there didn’t make it go away. It made it worse. Because I was drinking more, I was taking in more sugar and calories, and gaining even more weight in addition to the weight I was putting back on just from eating normally again. So you can see how this could become a vicious cycle had I continued to shove the discomfort aside and pretend like it wasn’t there.
But at some point, I had to face the music, so to speak. I can’t tell you that there was a singular moment when I came to terms with the discomfort. All I can say is that slowly over time, I guess I sat with the feeling for so long that I couldn’t avoid it any longer. It was there in such a big way, that I couldn’t avoid the elephant in the room. I had to give in and acknowledge that I felt uncomfortable. And I didn’t enjoy that feeling.
Accept the Discomfort
So what can we do to move forward once we acknowledge that a transition is making us feel uncomfortable? The next step is to accept it.
And I can hear you now, you’re like, “Brittany, umm a little easier said than done!” Yep. You’re absolutely right.This next step can definitely take some time too. If acknowledging is difficult, accepting is even more challenging.
Because accepting discomfort means that you’re willing to feel it. All of it.
I’m going to bring up another more recent transition - one that I’m still experiencing right now. Earlier this year, I started a job with American Airlines and I was thrilled. It was a great role, a great salary, and a great team. Then COVID-19 hit and all non-technical contract positions, including mine, were eliminated.
This wasn’t my first layoff experience, which is a good thing, because in my first layoff, I was completely devastated. In that first layoff, I had attached my worth and identity with that company - and when that was taken away, my self-worth and confidence was shattered. I felt lost and ashamed. Since that experience, I’ve learned to never align myself with an individual person or a company. They won’t love you back the way you love them. Instead, I now align myself with a mission and a purpose alone because that’s something that no one can ever take away from you.
Okay, but back to my most recent layoff this year. I knew that in order to process this hard-hitting information, I would need to mourn. I’d need to mourn the loss of this and grieve. I needed to feel the anger and the sadness.
So the entire next day, I was pretty useless in terms of productivity. But I gave myself that day to just sit with the uncomfortable feelings. I processed through all the thoughts of, “this isn’t fair,” “why me?,” and “I can’t believe this is happening.”
You can’t rush this step. For me, I knew that I needed 24 hours to process this and really feel my emotions before I could move forward. But for other types of transitions, it will take longer.
I’ll also add that 24 hours is probably the least amount of time it will take to really sit with your discomfort. I’ve just been practicing this for years so I knew that in this instance, that’s the time I needed.
I also want to emphasize that this step should be done without judgment. We don’t judge ourselves or each other in the Jet Set Society. You should not have to feel any sort of guilt for taking the time you need to process your emotions. Nor should you feel guilty if processing your emotions takes days, weeks, or even months. There’s no exact timeframe that is appropriate for accepting and processing your emotions.
But what I can tell you, is that I’ve found that the more quickly I accept an emotion, the more quickly I can move through it and push forward.
Life’s funny like that. The less you resist, the more easily you can move forward. I shared an analogy of this on Instagram earlier this week. And if you’re not following me over there - what in the world? - go add me at @thejetsetblonde.
I shared an analogy of how a painter views her paints. In order to properly blend paints, especially oil paints, a softer touch creates a better blend. Which sounds counter-intuitive right? You would think that if you push the paint brush down harder, the paint would blend better. But it doesn’t. And the same is true in life. The harder you try to resist, the more painful it will be.
Visualize your Future Self
The final step for how to handle transitions in life is to visualize your future self. If you focus on the past, you’ll continue acting in the same way you did in your past. But if you try to put yourself in the shoes of your future self - the one who is fulfilled, whole, and has fully embraced her transition, you’ll start to become that person that you desire to be.
As I found myself in the “in-between” of shifting my brain out of an eating disorder and back to normalcy, I pictured myself in my future state. My future self was a powerful, confident, and genuinely happy woman. She didn’t obsess over food and she could focus on her friends when they went out to dinner. She wasn’t a shell of a human being; she was whole. She lived life with zest and vibrancy.
I practiced imagining this person and I would ask myself, “What types of thoughts does my future self think? What emotions does she feel? What actions does she take?”
And slowly but surely, I started to embody the thoughts, emotions, and actions of my future self in the present day. When you practice thinking new thoughts, your brain will actually start to form new neural pathways. I find that so fascinating, don’t you? After about two years of practicing thinking new thoughts, I no longer had to work at thinking new thoughts. It just was. I had become my future self. I didn’t have to deliberately practice anymore, it finally just was and I was finally the woman that I had tried so hard to become.
Now, I hear some of you saying, “Two years is a long time.” And yes, it is. But working through your transition probably won’t take as long. I had a very dark psyche to repair, so it took me longer. Plus, I didn’t have a guide or coach to help me along the way and work through these issues. But the great news is - you have me! I’ve been where you have and I’m living proof that you can work through transitions in life, and even come to appreciate them as I have.
Transitions are Opportunities
If you had asked me in the moment of my transition, I probably would have said that it’s terrible and I hate it. But in hindsight, if I could go back and change it, I wouldn't. I’m actually grateful that I went through such a difficult experience that spanned four years. Because that experience has made me stronger. It taught me a world of information about myself and about what I’m capable of. And it put many pieces of my life back into perspective. It taught me about my core values. I’ve come to realize that I value things like human connection, self awareness, and resilience. Not things like vanity and accolades.
Transitions are moments of awakening, and they offer us the potential opportunity to pivot and hit the reset button.
Who could you become if you stopped dreading and avoiding transitions in life? In a lifetime that’s characterized by constant change, what would happen if you could come to embrace change, or better yet, even get excited about it? You’d be unstoppable, right?
Because you’d know a secret that some others never discover in a lifetime. You’d know that any transition in life would result in your growth and evolution. In this process, you’ll come to new realizations and experience new enlightenment and become even better than before.
So I challenge you to shift your perspective around transitions in life. Try looking at it as an opportunity for growth in your life. Ask yourself, “What can I learn from this?” Don’t ask, “Why is this happening to me?” Change that question to “Why is this happening for me?”
Do you see the power in simply changing that two-letter word to a three-letter word? This transition in life is not happening to you, it’s happening for you. So what can you learn from it? And how will you be better from it?
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author bio
Known as The Jet Set Blonde, Brittany Ryan inspires others to add more adventure to their childfree travel experiences. Brittany has visited 23 countries (and counting!) Connect with her to get access to detailed childfree travel itineraries, travel guides for weekend getaways, and updates on adult-only hotels, resorts, cruises, and other travel amenities.
